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Feb 5 2012

Do I want choice? Or do I want what’s right?

Have you ever had a moment where you wanted to do something that you knew was wrong? Then you said to yourself, “I’m gonna do it anyway because it’s my life and I can do things how I like”. Ah… the perfect recipe for regret…

We’ve been blinded by democracy. That ability to make our own choices and influence how our lives become. It had a noble purpose, once.

When the ages were dark and others chose how you led your life, people were miserable under kings who told them what to do without caring how it affected them. When others ruled your life and made choices, those choices were designed to be good for the chooser and left us, the common people, out of the equation.

We retaliated. We wanted freedom! Freedom to make good choices rather than be trapped in the bad ones of our kings and queens and dictators and freedom to live a happy life. But somewhere along the way, we forgot that we wanted to make GOOD choices and started to think that we just wanted choices. Now… now we want freedom for freedom’s sake.

Some would argue with me. They’d say that freedom isn’t just about making the best choice, it’s about making your own choice. And that includes making a choice that’s bad as well as a choice that’s good.

This line sums it up well:

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.

– Mahatma Gandhi

I agree. Kinda.

But you see, we’ve gone over the deep end. We want to reassure ourselves over and over again that we have this freedom and therefore we continually and purposely make mistakes. Worst of all is that we seem to think that this is somehow noble, to fight for freedom and freedom alone.

I say that the whole point of gaining freedom is so that you can choose what is RIGHT. Because sometimes those who have power over you will choose only what is good for themselves, which usually means something that is bad for everyone else. So the original purpose of gaining freedom isn’t just to make ANY choice, it’s to make the best choice. It’s to make the right choice.

I mean, have you ever thought to yourself that you want to ruin your own life? Never. It’s always been about making your life better, or making the life of your loved ones better.

I’ve spoken before about how I sometimes support making mistakes on purpose, but it’s clear that I mean mistakes that come as a result of learning a new skill, not mistakes that can ruin your life.

So I think that we all need a wake up call, to remind us that freedom isn’t there so that we can all strive to make mistakes, whether as a society or as an individual. It’s there so that we can do good, even when people don’t agree with us sometimes.

But wait, what’s the meaning of “good”? What’s the meaning of “right”?

Good is subjective

The evangelists (super strong supporters) of freedom, they call out loudly and say that good is subjective. That we have to preserve freedom in general because what I feel is wrong might be right for someone else.

Not true. I think that for the most important things in life, there’s always a “right” way. Yes, you can have different favourite colours, or different jobs and hobbies, but there should only be one correct way to treat your parents (with respect), and only one right way to do your job (ethically and responsibly). For me it’s quite simple. The “right” way is what resonates with my core values. The “right” way is what fits my religion.

After all, I think that as humanity in general we can readily agree on most things. Murder and stealing are wrong. Education and children are sacred. Life is something that we shouldn’t just throw away. Don’t cheat. Be respectful. Be trustworthy. It isn’t so hard to find common ground on what is “right”.

Oddly enough, I think we spend a lot of our freedom trying things out so that we can find the “right” way of living our life. And sometimes, we spend a lot of our freedom trying everything wrong, with the excuse that we want to “experience life”.

Make no mistake, I’m not against having freedom. I am against misusing it and abusing it.

When given freedom and given the opportunity to make your life better, it saddens me that there are many people who misuse that freedom to do every mistake possible, just because they can. Just to prove that they can. You know what I mean. Even while knowing that cigarettes and drugs are bad for us, so many people still want to rebel and take it up, not because they’re trying it to find if it’s “right” for them. They know it’s wrong.

But they’ll do it anyway because they want to rebel, to reassure themselves that they are still in control of their lives, where they’ve lost control of everything else. When they’ve screwed up the rest of their lives, they feel that the ultimate form of proving that they have freedom is to make a mistake.

As you can guess, I don’t support this. I support making the right choices. But I also don’t support having other people controlling your lives and controlling what you choose.

Hmmm…. what now?

The middle ground

Surprisingly there’s a middle ground. It’s called guidance.

You can have freedom, but you can also be guided. You can ask. You can accept advice and you can hear people out when they tell you what to do. You can talk to family and friends. (Not friends and family. Notice which comes first. Family should always be first in that line-up)

Through all of that, whether people tell you the right thing to do or the wrong, whether people suggest things or aggressively force it on to you, remember that it’s all just suggestions. In the end you choose what you want to do. So don’t worry too much if they’re TELLING you what to do. If you don’t want to do it, don’t. If you think it’s good advice, then do it anyway in spite of them being so aggressive when giving the advice. Use that good advice even if it comes from someone you hate.

The idea here is that no matter what people say, you are the one making the choice in the end. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t get guidance and input from others.

There’s a small story that led to this post. Every once in a while, my mom or dad would suggest something to me. It used to be that my first reaction was to rebel in my mind. “They don’t own me! They can’t tell me what to do with my life!”

But it’s a stupid reaction. So I suppressed it. Instead, I thought about the content of the advice. It turns out that they were usually right and that their advice was pretty darn good.

So I think that we all need to be able to do that. To listen to people’s advice and hear their message for what it really is. Afterwards, you can do whatever you want and ruin your own life (just don’t ruin mine). But don’t go out and do something while ignoring everyone’s advice then act all surprised and sad when everything goes bad later.

Yes, you have freedom. No, you shouldn’t use it to do whatever you like.

So when your choices are suddenly limited and filtered out (whether by the situation or by other people), don’t suddenly get angry and complain that your “freedom is being taken away!”. Ask yourself if the good choices were the ones that disappeared. If the only things that disappeared were the bad choices, then perhaps it’s just a teeeeeeny bit useless to get angry about it.

I don’t really want all choices to be open to me. I just want the choices that are right for me to be open to me.

The paradox of choice

After all, it’s actually bad for us when we have too much choice. The paradox of choice states that when there are too many options available to us, we get paralyzed. After all, we want the best choice, right? That also means that we have to research EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. And that simply overwhelms us and paralyzes us.

So I’m actually fine with having my choices limited. As long as the choices that are limited are the ones that were bad for me anyway. So please please start limiting your own choices. The people who feel like they can do anything are the same people who are the dictators and evil governments of the world.

It’s my hope and prayer that when a bad choice comes along, my family and friends would be there to support me. But I don’t want them to support me in whatever choice I make. NO. I want them to support me in choosing what is right. And telling me what is wrong.

And hey, it turns out that I have an awesome family and awesome friends. It seems that it might just work out…

Conclusion: Summing it up, I know that there’s a gray area in making choices where no one is really sure whether it’s right or wrong. That’s NOT what this post is about. This post is about the choices that you know and that everyone knows is wrong, but we somehow want to defend anyway. I don’t think we should.

By Lutfi Torla • Featured, Making Plans • 0 • Tags: , , ,

Jan 30 2012

Can prophets deserve hellfire?

Prophet Ya’qoub a.s. (also known as Jacob in christianity) had 12 sons. 10 sons from one wife and 2 from another. Those 10 tried to kill their half-brother, Prophet Yusuf (a.k.a. Joseph). I think we’ve all heard the history of their lives and what happened after. The real question is…

…is Prophet Ya’qoub a.s. responsible for the huge sin of his 10 sons trying to kill someone?

Remember, they didn’t just try to kill anyone! They tried to kill their own sibling!

But wait a second, before you give me your answer, let me tell you of a saying, a rumour really, that I heard.

Fathers and husbands carry the sins of their wives and children

Fathers and husbands carry the sins of their wives and children

Wait, what???!!

That’s right. That’s what they said.

There’s this belief that parents are also responsible for the actions of their children, and that husbands are also responsible for the wrongdoings of their wives.

If the wife doesn’t wear the hijab, the husband gets a sin. If the wife doesn’t fast, he gets another sin. If the wife doesn’t pray, then the husband will get a sin along with her.

Hmmm….

We know that a few prophets had wives who didn’t obey the commandments of God such as Nabi Nuh a.s. (a.k.a. Noah). If the previous concept is true, then would he also have to take on the sins of his wife? If his wife deserved hellfire, would he deserve it too?

There are prophets whose sons and daughters committed grievous acts such as Nabi Ya’qoub a.s. Is he responsible for their sins too?

Justice in Islam

That belief we were discussing just now? The concept is flawed. It breaks away from the concept of justice in Islam where you can only be responsible for your own sins. Such a belief directly conflicts with what is written in the holy Qur’an:

And no soul earns (sins) but against itself, and no bearer of burden shall bear the burden of another;

[Qur'an 6:164]

So where is this idea coming from? And what do you do when you hear this idea from someone? And what if that person is someone who you trust completely?

You can’t contradict the Qur’an

Here’s your answer:

It doesn’t matter how credible they are, they cannot contradict the Qur’an.

Even if you found a hadith that supported this belief, throw it away, because that hadith has to be weak. Otherwise, it would never contradict Al-Qur’an. Nothing can or should contradict the Qur’an, not even a hadith. Not even a hadith, and not anyone else, no matter what his credentials.

Remember this well, because the Qur’an is the highest source of authority in Islam. And anything that contradicts it can’t be accepted.

So… do you get off scot-free?

No, the husband/father does have a duty. But his duty is simply to educate and advise those who are under his care. But this isn’t something that’s special to his role as husband or father. You have a role to educate and advise anybody that is under your care.

If the husband/father has done his duty to educate and advise his wife and children, he is then free of blame for any actions they might take.

What kind of justice would it be if you had to carry the blame and sins for what someone else had done?

I’m sad to hear that people actually believe in something that so clearly contradicts the Qur’an. I would be sadder if I found out that people are actually spreading it to others.

If this concept was correct, then wouldn’t it be wajib (compulsory) to disown your son or divorce your wife in order to free yourself from their sins? This concept is illogical and flawed and we should not (and cannot!) believe it.

So, let’s fix that sentence. Before:

Fathers and husbands carry the sins of their wives and children.

After:

Fathers and husbands are responsible to educate their wives and their children. If they (the wives and children) still do not obey Allah, that is their sin and their sin alone.

It is a different story if you are the one who tells them to commit a sin. Then of course, you are to blame. Again, this isn’t something special to the role of husband/father. You would be to blame if you told anyone to commit a sin.

When you say that someone else also “bears your burdens” and bears your sins, you are saying something more as well. You’re saying that Islam doesn’t understand that a person should only be punished for his own misdeeds. You’re saying that Islam is a religion that is unfair to its followers and can place sins on someone for something they haven’t done! You’re saying…

…you’re saying that Islam doesn’t understand justice.

Back to the question

So the question was, “would Prophet Ya’qoub be responsible?”

And the answer would be NO. He already educated them and taught them what was right. After all, what are you going to do if your wife or daughter doesn’t wear hijab? Or if your son drinks? Divorce and disown them? Ridiculous.

If they fail to follow you, you must remember that it is only Allah that gives guidance, and we can only spread His message.

It is true you will not be able to guide every one who you love; but Allah guides those who He will and He knows best those who receive guidance.

[Qur'an 28:56]

Postscript

Please do your research before spreading gossip. Because gossip is what this is. Unfounded rumors without any evidence to support it. It’s bad enough for you to believe in something that’s false. It’s many times worse when you try to drag others down with you. It is worst of all when you take down the image of Islam with you, and say that Islam is unjust.

So, from now on, when you hear that “fathers and husbands carry the sins of their wives and children”, you know what to do! Tell them that the principle of justice, whether based on Islam or any instinctive universal value, will not place the mistakes of one person onto another.

 

Note: I only fully understood this after a very interesting discussion with my dad.

By Lutfi Torla • Featured, Reflections • 0 • Tags: , , , ,

Jan 27 2012

Life is not a TV series

When there are problems, life doesn’t stop. Things still happen. Life goes on.

So it turns out that it’s not a good idea to stop everything else and work on just one problem.

That means that even when a really big event happens in life, you can’t just focus on that. The everyday things still happen. You still have to go to school/work, you still have to eat and drink, you still have to do the dishes and laundry, you still have to spend some time every day with friends and family. You can’t ignore any of these ‘tiny’ things just because something ‘big’ happened.

In TV series’, there’s usually only one big problem every episode that the hero needs to fix. He can afford to forget about his daily chores while he figures out how to solve that one thing. Life doesn’t happen like that. Everything else still goes on.

It took me a long time to realize it; that you don’t have to solve the problem before you can get back to your life. This way of thinking is one of the cores of the perfectionist mindset. This mindset was slowly destroying me.

If I don’t complete it, I can’t move on from it, and therefore, I can’t move on with life.

False.

It turns out that any problem can be ignored and life will still go on. It might not go on well, but it will still go on. You can fail exams and life will go on. You can have cancer and life will still go on. Loved ones might die and life will still go on. Your life will go on and the life of everyone around you will go on.

Right at this moment; as you’re reading this; a whole bunch of different thoughts are flying through your head. Most probably you’re disagreeing with what I just said. That’s okay; it’s what I call your ‘first reaction’ to whatever I just said. Catch as many reactions as you can, write them down before you forget. What did your mind say to counter the concepts I just mentioned? Here are some common ones (and by common, I mean what went through my own head):

  1. That’s not fair.
  2. I shouldn’t have to deal with other things when I’m down/vulnerable.
  3. Why isn’t the universe stopping for me? I need time to deal with this heavy stuff.

Life might have its own rules, but I don’t think anyone has figured them out yet. So what makes you think that one of those rules is for life to be fair? What makes you think that when you’re down for the count, the whole boxing match should stop until you fix your life and you get back up? Why does everyone need to be “understanding” of what you went through and treat you specially?

These were the questions that I asked myself when these ideas first occurred to me. This is an example of me “taking the red pill”. Ask the questions that might make you realize that all this time you might have been living your life wrong.

I realized then that I had somehow started believing that I deserved some of these things I just mentioned. That it was somehow a right that the world was obliged to give me. That the world should ‘pause’ for me. And if I didn’t get it, I felt betrayed by… by ‘something’. And I didn’t know why…

When problems happen, we press pause and tell ourselves that we need to fix this issue before we move on.

Pressing “Pause” for the big problems

At this point, you’re probably thinking to yourself,

That’s ridiculous, people don’t try to “pause” life. And even if they do, I never do this kind of thing.

Well, let’s see then. Have you ever crammed for an exam? Crammed to the point where you didn’t bother socializing or doing your laundry or thought about your family for a few days? Then yes, you’re ignoring normal life and expecting it to “pause“. After a few days, you expect to come back to normal life and “un-pause” and just continue on your merry way.

Or have you spent a few weeks working on a big project and ignored everything else in your life during that time? It’s the same thing. You’re “pausing“. You expect to “resume” life later.

Or perhaps you have a family problem where you need to be off from work or school for a while. You expect everyone and everything to let you off, and that you can just forget everything in life while you take care of this problem. You feel that you deserve it because if not life “wouldn’t be fair”. Ok, so let me ask you again:

Do you think you might have “paused” life before?

Now, let me make it clear that I actually agree that it’s great when people make allowances when you have problems. And help you out. Or give you space. But it becomes a problem when you start to expect it and feel that the universe is obliged to pause for you and help you out when you are down.

When we start to feel like this, we start to behave as if life “pauses” for us automatically when we have a problem.

Everyday pausing and procrastinating

We do this on a smaller scale in our everyday life. When a small problem comes, we don’t move away until we deal with it. Then another problem comes and we rinse and repeat.

Let me tell you a story:

This is the story of a young man who wanted to get into shape. So he told himself that he would, just as soon as the time was right. After a few months, New Year’s rolled around and he finally said to himself, “This is the perfect time to kickstart my exercise with a New Year’s resolution“. But then, he has to find a good gym to join.

So he looked for one, and after many weeks, found one. Then he thought to himself that he needs the right workout clothes (because you can’t just look sweaty in any old clothes now, can you?). So he went out and got himself the right ones.

Then, of course, he wanted to make sure he was doing the right exercises, so he just HAD to spend a few weeks first researching an exercise regimen online.

That vaguely fictional story is a story that’s repeated around the world. We lie to ourself. We procrastinate. We ‘pause’ our exercising because we convince ourselves that we have to solve a problem first before the plan can go on. Just like we sometimes convince ourselves that we have to solve a problem first before life can go on.

Don’t forget the big picture

Life is killing you, one detail at a time

Okay then, here’s what I’m really trying to say from all this. Don’t forget the big picture.

Don’t get caught up in looking for a job so that you can save up money to buy exercise clothes so that you can exercise. When you worry about those details and put everything in a sequence like that, you’ll never get anywhere. You’ll waste so much time worrying about the details that in the end you forget that the whole point of this whole thing was to get some exercise…

Small problems occur all the time. This means that your time will be so filled up with handling the details that you miss the big picture. This is the humdrum of daily life. Everyday, you’re focusing on these small small things and worrying and obsessing over every single one.

Like in this xkcd comic here, sometimes we find a method to solve the problem. Then, rather than solving the original problem, we zone in on that ONE SINGLE method and spend an ungodly amount of effort trying to execute that method perfectly. We forget that we can just ‘ring the doorbell’. We forget that the original purpose is to get the guy to unlock the door, instead of trying to figure out how to remotely change the volume on a computer through the internet.

Conclusion

Let’s recap.

Life doesn’t happen in a nice sequence like a TV series.

  1. Problems don’t come to you one by one and you can’t ‘pause’ everything in your life to solve this episode’s problems.
  2. When you tell yourself that you HAVE to do something first before you move on to the next step… check again. Maybe you can already do the second step even if you haven’t completed the first.
  3. Make sure you’re solving your original problem. If you find yourself fixated on sending out resumes when your original purpose was to exercise, then you just might have a problem…
  4. Yes! Have priorities. No, don’t forget everything else.
  5. It’s ok for the world to pause for you and give you space when you have big problems. Just don’t expect it and then feel betrayed when it doesn’t happen.

Well…. so far this made sense in my head. I wonder if it made sense to you?

By Lutfi Torla • Featured, Making Plans • 0 • Tags: , , , , , ,

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